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Planned Parenthood. I spent 6 hours there waiting, getting ultrasounds, taking pills, having my blood tested, and watching the other people about to go through the same thing as I was- each one scared and hating themselves for what they were about to do, but feeling trapped. Finally, it was my turn for the procedure. I was 10 weeks pregnant. They shoved a rod of some sort up my vagina… it wasn’t too painful the first time, but as it manually dilated my cervix, I felt it clamp down with increasing pressure to the point where I was crying in pain and fighting the nurses with was little motion I could conjure. Then, the doctor shoved int eh vacuum. I cannot describe how painful it is to have life sucked out of you and watch it turn into pink mush flowing down a pipe into a machine. The sucking hurt more than I could have ever imagined and seeing my baby’s cut up remians travel down that tube tore at my soul. When the procedure was over, I was placed in the recovery room. I stayed there for an hour and 15 minutes fighting back the urge to cry and intense abdominal pain. After being released from the clinic and finally having the pain subside and being given birth control, my boyfriend and I prepared to leave. It was then I broke out into hysteria. I don’t remember speaking or doing anything…I just know that I was crying and couldn’t stand to do anything but hate myself. Now, almost three months after my procedure, I still cry at night and go into hysterics over my lost little angel. I talk to him. I sing to him. I even tell him that mommy and daddy really do still love him. And we do. The only place I could give my baby was Heaven. I couldn’t give my baby a good life, so I gave him Heaven and hoped that he would still love me. Sometimes I imagine he talks back. There is always that invisible umbilical cord tying me to that child… the unborn. I will never forget my baby and I can’t explain the grief and emptiness his loss leaves both myself and my boyfriend with. If anyone out there is having unprotected sex and cannot care for a baby, please, I beg of you, don’t continue on. Use protection. Don’t make my mistake and be haunted by that which could not be. Protect yourself and protect your future.

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